Dear Diary...

I Just Want To Be Healthy

It sucks that I don’t really remember what it’s like to not be sick. I mean, sure… I haven’t been sick my ENTIRE life but the last four years have been especially heavy. I’ve received 9 diagnosis since 2013. Suffered with intense headaches for a decade prior to that. Plus the random asthma attack, cough & colds, and all that.

From neurological to cardiac conditions, dermatological to mental conditions… I just want to be healthy again. I remember a year and a half ago… I was so exhausted but I couldn’t sleep because of the amount of pain my skin condition caused me. I just sat in bed crying. I rocked back and forth on my heels wishing for the day when I would no longer be in pain.

I used to be so motivated. I had so many goals that I wanted to achieve. Between motherhood, school and work, you’d need to force me to take a “Me” day. Chronic pain takes that away from you.

Now, every day seems to be that day. 

I get judged because I just stay at home. I don’t work or go to school. You only see a 29-year-old with some rash on her face not knowing the other health concerns, the pain and the struggles she goes through on a daily basis.

Thank goodness my conditions don’t flare up all at once. I don’t know what I would do if it did. But there’s always something.

My skin was okay for a while there. I could sit down without pain. I could eat without pain. I could shower without pain. Maybe it was the long winter we had… it sure didn’t help… but my skin flared up again.

Lately, it’s been my mental health. It’s been less than a year since I’ve been diagnosed, though I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for a long time. I’ve been on different medications since the diagnoses… none of which have helped. I finally got to see a psychiatrist who wants to change my medication. Now I worry about the withdrawal process from my current meds and the side effects of the new medication that I’m going to have to get used to.

I was doing well for a while there. Even though my skin condition flared up, it was minimal. I hadn’t had a headache or migraine. And starting a blog really did help with my depression. But the last few weeks have been difficult.

I finally got to the dosage my doctor wanted me on: 150mg. It seemed like for almost two months, all I did was get used to the side effects. Each time my dosage increased, the side effects would hit me just as hard as the first time. All I wanted to do was sleep. That was okay though. It felt like I was given a present: a chance to catch up on all the sleep I missed the year prior.

But my mood crashed.

Since I was always exhausted, I barely worked on my blog. I would go all week without answering my emails. I would stay in bed or on the sofa watching Netflix all day. All of that made me feel so unaccomplished.

Now, I am back to having a hard time making decisions. Don’t bother asking me what I want for dinner because I won’t know. I probably won’t be eating anyway because my meds make me lose my appetite. I went 72 hours without eating one time without realizing it just because I wasn’t hungry. If you ask me what I want to do that day, I’ll tell you that all I want to do is lay in bed.

I’m back to not sleeping. I think I’ve slept all night only once in the last 2-3 weeks. It’s not that I’m not tired…. I’m EXHAUSTED. My eyes are heavy but I just toss and turn all night. I sleep for maybe 2 hours at a time…. if that.

I just want to be healthy again.

I want to be able to go to school. I want to work. I want to be able to go out for the day without worrying. I want to be able to do house chores without being in pain. I don’t want to have to make sure that I have my pain killers “just in case”.

I’ve never been a pessimist or optimist. I’ve always been a realist. More so now since being diagnosed with so many chronic conditions. I don’t like to get my hopes up… that just makes me crash harder. I’ve learned to take things one at a time… one day at a time.

I just want to be healthy again. 

 

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